So here it is — my actual, official criminal background check from Buncombe County, North Carolina. Spoiler alert: it’s boring. Nothing juicy, no plot twists, no secret double lives. I’ve redacted my maiden name (because identity theft isn’t the vibe I’m going for), but otherwise, it’s all here.

I’m sharing this because I believe psychics should be held to a higher standard — and I’m happy to go first.